A Matter Of Life
by anyadoll
Summary: Post Full Stop. Kirsten doesn't want to talk about it. Cameron wants answers.


**A/N** : First foray into Stitchers! I'm so happy there's going to be a season 2! Mostly post 'Full Stop.' I feel like I haven't written in forever, so this is kind of a refresher course. Hopefully it's good! Lyrics are 'Delicate' by Fauntella Crow.

 **A Matter Of Life**

XOX

 _I'm so aware I care_

 _I notice every moment_

 _When you're gone they feel so long_

 _I wanna throw away my phone_

 _Before you I never felt alone_

 _Now I feel it every time you're gone_

 _I tend to fall apart, just as you're leaving_

 _Dammit I'm delicate_

 _I tend to fall apart, just as you're leaving_

 _Dammit too dedicated_

 _I'm delicate…_

XOX

She didn't like to talk about it.

Every time he tried to start a conversation she immediately shot him down. The awkward segues were starting to grate on his nerves, along with that of Linus and Camille. Even Maggie was becoming exasperated by the increasing chasm forming between her dynamic duo.

It had been two months since the "Incident-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named" as Camille fondly called it. Ayo, Maggie, and his own personal cardiologist had given Cameron a clean bill of health. But the after effect of Stitching into Cameron had done something to Kirsten that no one could diagnose.

Anytime he'd bring up the incident, her chocolate eyes would glaze over and her gaze would grow distant, wandering somewhere he couldn't follow. Cameron desperately wanted to know what she saw in his mind that scared her so much that day, because fear and something akin to self-loathing was all he ever saw in her expression now.

He was hard-pressed to catch her alone anymore—that certainly didn't help his situation. Kirsten was almost always stuck to Camille's side now, or Linus, or Maggie, who was frankly one of her least favorite people given their odd history, shared or not. It reminded him of middle school, how the girl he liked always traveled with her pack of friends so he never got the chance to ask her to the homecoming dance. At least not without a gaggling audience of tween girls hovering nearby, judging his every move.

Cameron was becoming so frustrated with their radio silence he'd approached Maggie, requesting to see the lab footage from _that day_. She'd sighed heavily, ready to give him a long rehearsed speech she'd prepared for this very moment. But she held it back. Her lips formed a tight line as she stood up behind her desk, pulling a small jump drive from her briefcase. As he was about to grab the object from her hand, she curled her fingers around it, holding it away.

"You have to know I give you this against my far better judgment. That said, I know you, and I know you won't give up until you have it," she paused, glancing out her office window to the bustle of employees heading out for the night. Kirsten hung back, lingering a bit, as if deciding what to do before she slung her messenger bag over her shoulder and quickly followed after Camille. Despite the fact that the residual emotions she felt from the Stitches were temporary, the young woman was beginning to experience them for herself, as if Stitching was fixing her. Maggie saw its effects take hold in the once emotionally vacant girl. Cameron's death—however brief—had changed her on a fundamental level. "Remember, you wanted to see this. Just…be careful what you wish for."

Maggie dropped the device in his open palm, silently dismissing him.

Cameron nodded his thanks, jogging down the stairs. Once again, Kirsten had vanished before he could catch her. Shaking his head in disappointment, he decided going home was the best course of action. He could watch the footage in peace.

Maggie watched Cameron leave, her strict professionalism falling away in the now empty lab. The weight of the program and all of her secrets was heavy enough on its good days. Losing Cameron in those fleeting minutes had shown her how very mortal they all were up in their Olympus—and how much she needed to protect her assets.

Even if she had to protect her people from themselves.

XOX

Cameron tossed the jump drive up in the air, catching it rhythmically as he took the stairs up to his loft, picking up his pace even though it left him winded. Anticipation flooded every cell in his body. He'd spent the better part of the last two months hoping Kirsten would divulge what happened in the lab to no avail, and as much as he'd rather hear it from her, she wasn't exactly an open book.

He'd barely set his bag down when a gentle knock sounded. He perked up immediately—the only people that visited him, especially this late at night—were Linus and Camille, typically together, or Kirsten. Right now he was certainly hoping for the latter. Cameron slipped the jump drive into the pocket of his jeans. Perhaps he wouldn't need to watch it after all.

Straightening the plaid collared shirt he'd yet to change out of, he took a deep breath before answering the door. He had to stop his smile from faltering, as it wasn't his beautiful, fair-haired "princess" on the other side.

"Janice…hey, how are you? This is a surprise," Cameron managed to stumble.

The pretty, petite brunette shot him a charming, flirty smile. "Tank Top Girl" held a pizza box and a six-pack in her delicate hands, wearing little more than, well, a magenta tank top and a pair of black yoga pants. "Well I noticed your blonde friend hasn't come around in awhile and you've seemed kind of sad. Figured the rebound period was over and you could use some…company."

Cameron arched an eyebrow. "How do you know my blonde friend hasn't been by?" he asked, crossing his arms with a lopsided grin.

Tank Top Girl shrugged, taking a few steps so she was toe to toe with him. "You're not the only one with a good vantage point," Janice whispered seductively, before sliding past him and crossing the threshold.

Cameron swallowed thickly. "Come in?"

XOX

The pizza was nearly gone, classic rock played in the background, and they were each on their third beer laughing at Cameron's tales of his childhood gone awry.

Cameron set his empty bottle on the coffee table, settling into his luxurious couch as Janice recounted what being an art school model was like.

"And you wouldn't believe the amount of phone numbers and 'call me later baby's' I get as I'm walking out of the classroom," Janice finished modestly, taking a sip of her beer. "Makes dating just a little bit difficult when guys find out that part of my job requires taking my clothes off." They both winced at her awkward choice of words before laughing some more.

"Still, I find it hard to believe there hasn't been someone in your life—not even considering that you're a, um, nude model for a life drawing class," Cameron replied as effortlessly as possible. "I mean, you're smart, and obviously thoughtful, and clearly very, very forgiving." He winced, thinking back on how he'd inadvertently taken credit for his deceased neighbor's good deeds.

"Well you're one to talk. The gorgeous, intimidating blonde goddess always at your side made it hard to approach you." Janice smiled before looking down as she picked at the label on her own now empty beer bottle. "You know, it's not about the attention I get from other men, it's about the attention I'd like to get from one particular guy…" Janice trailed off, a flush blossoming across her cheeks.

Cameron gaped for a second. "And, uh, what guy would you be wanting this…attention…from?" he sputtered nervously.

Janice moved forward, her hand resting on Cameron's thigh. "I think you know the answer Cameron," she whispered.

Cameron tensed as the lovely brunette's lips descended on his as the smell of sharp florals assaulted his nose, unfamiliar and strange. This girl was beautiful, stunning, and she wanted _him,_ a completely unrealistic experience if he'd ever had one. And yet somehow he couldn't help but think it felt wrong.

He stopped his inner monologue there. It was clear Kirsten didn't want him. They barely spoke to each other now. She wanted nothing to do with him, and that wasn't going to change.

So he surrendered, giving into nothing more than a simple need. He was a red-blooded man, and it had been too long since he'd felt wanted by someone.

It was as if his body was on autopilot, going through the motions he knew well, but not really feeling anything. Maybe this was what he needed—a palette cleanser of sorts. He'd been so hung up on Kirsten he hadn't allowed himself to even think of looking elsewhere. With that in mind, his hands reflexively trailed down her back to hold her hips as she pushed him back on the couch. Janice broke away for a moment, slowly pulling her tank over her head, leaving her in a pale pink lace bra.

Cameron swallowed hard before maneuvering them so that she was now beneath him, her fingers making quick work of the buttons on his shirt, tugging it off.

It would be easy with Janice. No messy backstory. No trying to decipher if she understood what he was trying to express emotionally. He enjoyed the giddy, lovely smile on her face, even if it broke him a little bit more.

So caught up in the moment and his own mind, he missed the door opening.

Kirsten froze at the sight.

An unidentifiable emotion coursed through her as her flight response kicked in. She stepped back, knocking into the pizza box on the counter and startling the thoroughly engaged couple on the couch.

Cameron glanced up in a haze. Panic took over as he tried to untangle himself from Janice. "Kirsten, what—"

The damage was done. She turned around, running from his apartment. He grasped his shirt, shrugging it back on before turning to Janice with a look of apology on his face.

She half smiled, but it was sad as she shrugged it off. "Not so over after all I guess," Janice said quietly, kissing the corner of his lips and pulling her tank back on. "Call me, if it ever changes."

He nodded, dashing after Kirsten. He knew he should be a gentleman and stay with Janice, throw together some hack of an explanation. But his only focus was Kirsten, and catching her so he could try—well, try anything, he supposed.

Cameron practically jumped down the stairs, long legs carrying him as fast as possible. But Kirsten was faster. He rounded the corner of his building, searching the street for the tall blonde. She was trying desperately to hail a cab, no more than a block away.

"Kirsten!" he yelled, voice echoing off the other buildings. She visibly tensed, that much he could tell even from this distance. He ran the last few feet as she managed to flag a cab.

She quickly opened the cab's door, but found her entry blocked by strong arms. "Move," she said firmly, a quiver in her voice. "I'm sorry for interrupting your…date"

"No," he panted, gulping air. He wanted her to understand it was nothing, that it wasn't planned. But the words wouldn't come. His hand automatically went to his chest, trying to massage away the tightness he felt after running so vigorously. Kirsten's eyes widened at the motion. Cameron watched curiously as shame and guilt and something like regret flew across her expression. In the end, she just looked haunted.

She reached up, as if to lay her hand over his heart.

"Hey, in or out?" the cabbie demanded, shattering the fragile moment.

Kirsten flinched, recoiling her hand. "I can't…not again…not again," she mumbled before ducking into the car, pulling the door closed and jarring Cameron. The cab grumbled, veering off down the street.

He stood alone on the sidewalk, confused.

XOX

It wasn't until he was standing in his apartment that he remembered the flash drive.

Cameron cleared away the empty beer bottles and set the plates in the dishwasher, mulling over the course of events the night had thrown at him. Quite frankly, he was in the kind of predicament a geek like him was only part of in cheap 80s movies.

Dropping onto his chair, he dug the drive out of his pocket. It took seconds for him to connect his computer to the TV so he could better see its contents. Cameron found himself scooting to the edge of his seat as the footage played.

He looked away from the screen as Kirsten gently laid him down on the table. He winced, fearing his own death after the fact. Everything was chaotic, the voices of the lab shouting in anger and panic, and there was Kirsten, stripping in the middle of the lab and practically jumping into the fish tank. A small smile touched his lips at that.

"I didn't know… _I didn't know_ …I'm _everywhere_ ," he heard Kirsten say softly at first, then with more realization as her brain processed what it all meant. He felt the same pang of realization resonate throughout his body.

So she knew. She knew how he felt about her. She'd known, and kept this from him for two months. He clenched his fists in frustration, but released them quickly. He'd kept his feelings from her for far longer than two months.

Hell, he'd broken her 'no more secrets' policy more than once and he had the audacity to be upset that she didn't trust him? He had no one to be angry with but himself.

"Cameron… _Cameron!_ " he jumped at the blood-curdling shriek coming from his TV. He was flat lining. He lost count of how many times Ayo tried to shock his heart. Kirsten openly sobbed above him, hands hovering on either side of his head.

Her forehead touched his, her tears falling onto his cheeks when she glanced up at Ayo, who hesitated to defib him again. "What are you waiting for? Do it!" Kirsten cried wildly.

Ayo shot Maggie a long look. The still, continuous hum of the flat line the only sound aside from Kirsten's sobs.

"Dammit, Cameron, I hate you! I hate you! You have to wake up! You don't get to do this to me, you told me to trust you!" She yelled at him, berated him, did everything short of punching him awake, gently resting her forehead to his once more before whispering, "I trusted you."

Maggie bit the inside of her cheek, doing her best to hold herself in check. Her hand pressed firmly to her stomach, as if that would prevent her from falling apart. "Ayo," she swallowed thickly. "Call it."

Ayo shook her head, biting her own lip. A shuddering cry came from Camille, who buried herself in Linus' shoulder. His best friend's face an odd, helpless blank mask.

"Call it," Maggie rasped, a dangerous rage in her tone.

Ayo held the defibrillator paddles limply, turning to the digital clock on the lab wall. "Time of death…"

A sudden blip echoed across the lab, stilling everyone's movements. Another, and then another short blip followed, until a steady rhythm played across the screen.

"Oh, lord thank you," Ayo gasped, looking toward the ceiling and sagging against the corpse cassette. She gripped the tiny cross that rest beneath her scrubs.

"Cameron!" Kirsten jerked back at the sound, standing abruptly and watching the heart monitor, her hand pressed over his scar. She smiled brightly, but her breathing was funny and jagged, and he knew what was about to happen before she did. "Oh my god," she whispered again, before her eyes rolled back in her head and Tim was there, catching her as she collapsed.

Maggie straightened her jacket reflexively, all business. "She's probably just exhausted, get her to the med bay. Both of them," Maggie grinned, so slight he barely caught it.

Cameron paused the feed, soaking in the images of his death and subsequent resurrection. No wonder she'd avoided him. God only knew what she saw in his memory scape. And for someone with such a limited range of emotions, he couldn't blame her for needing the time to process.

He suddenly felt like a heel for pushing her so hard.

Cameron sighed, dropping his head into his hands.

Once again, he never heard his intruder approach.

XOX

Kirsten made it halfway home before she demanded the driver take her back to Cameron's place. He rolled his eyes, huffing loudly about lost fares, but she promised a generous tip in return.

She felt a pain in her own chest, huddled in the back of the cab. It felt like someone was ripping a piece of her very soul in two, and she realized for the first time since he died hot tears streaked her face.

Not long after the incident, Camille badgered her into confessing a small part of what she'd witnessed in Cameron's memories. Kirsten gave her as little information as possible—a few of their conversations and memories that weren't as intimate or telling. Camille nodded along, hardly persuaded that Kirsten had seen so little when her reaction had been something akin to an out-of-body epiphany.

Eventually, Kirsten relented. She broke as Cameron went into the fifth day of his persistent coma. Despite her haughty, often sarcastic demeanor, Camille really did care for Kirsten, and anything she told her stayed in her confidence.

The only memory she kept was that of the two of them meeting as children. That memory was meant for her alone.

"So you finally realized he loves you, huh?" Camille had said lightly. There was no teasing malice in her voice, just a matter-of-fact observation. "The question is, do you love him?"

Kirsten had no answer for her, not that day.

Now her head was spinning, drawing conclusions and mapping outcomes of what she'd seen in Cameron's apartment. Had he given up on her? Had she waited too long? If he loved her, why was he with Janice? Why would he show her those memories, clarify his feelings for her, _die for her,_ only to choose another woman?

Paranoid and confused, she pressed the second speed dial on her phone.

Camille answered on the second ring. "I'm sorry, Camille is currently not available. If this is Kirsten calling, she clearly screwed up my well-crafted, foolproof Seduce Cameron Plan. If this is Cameron using Kirsten's phone to thank me, you're welcome."

Kirsten swallowed the lump in her throat. "Camille…he was with Janice."

She felt the silence across the line. "That's it, _I'm_ gonna kill him this time," her roommate stated angrily. "Do you know how long it took me to come up with that plan? It was absolute perfection!"

When more silence answered her, Camille sighed. "Tank Top Girl? Really? Somehow I didn't see that one happening."

Kirsten scoffed, picturing the beautiful brunette in her pink lace bra writhing beneath Cameron. "Oh it was happening," she managed to choke out. "Did I lose him, Camille? Did I ruin this? Is this…is this how he felt when I was with Liam?"

"I think you know the answer to that better than anyone else."

She nodded, forgetting Camille couldn't see the motion.

"I love him," she whispered softly.

Camille sucked in an audible breath.

"Then you need to tell him."

XOX

So here she stood.

"It felt like forever."

Cameron's head shot up, and he nearly gave himself whiplash turning to see her. He took in her disheveled appearance, eyes red and puffy, making the purple, bruise-like bags beneath them stand out more vividly. She was paler, too.

Cameron stood carefully, not wanting to scare her away.

Kirsten crossed her arms over her chest, more a form of comfort than if she were bracing herself from the cold.

"Time…it slowed down. I felt every second. And they all felt like forever. And you were gone, because you thought I didn't trust you. And I hate myself for that," she gasped, a stifled sob breaking her voice. "Because you're the only person I do trust."

Her breaths became short and staccato, her hand flying to her chest. "What's happening to me? What's wrong?"

Cameron realized in her over exertion of emotion she was starting to hyperventilate, just as she had in the video feed. He approached her quickly but cautiously, gently gripping her shoulders, feeling thrown back to her first Stitch, and how he'd had to talk her down and calm her breathing. "Kirsten, you need to slow down. You're going to pass out if you keep this up."

She nodded, but he could tell it wasn't getting through to her. He pulled her in, his strong arms winding around her, hands rubbing slow circles across her back. She nestled her face into the crook of his neck, breathing him in to steady her lungs.

"I'm sorry, for everything," he said softly.

"I'm sorry, too," she whispered back, having calmed down. "I'm sorry I didn't see it. I didn't know. You have to believe me. I didn't know."

His heart skipped a beat and she tensed again, her hand flying to his bare chest. Cameron grimaced, noting that he'd never gotten a chance to button his shirt. He was starting to regret that, as her fingertips grazed his scar leaving white-hot sparks in their wake.

"I've never felt…cared for—special—like that. I didn't think it was even possible," Kirsten continued a long while later, still caught up in his embrace. "I still feel that."

Cameron rested his chin against the side of her head, taking in the no-nonsense scent of fresh soap that was all her. He knit his forehead at her choice of words, pulling away from her ever so slightly. "What do you mean? You can't still have residual emotion…that was two months ago…"

"I know. I didn't understand it, not at first. But you weren't really dead, you know? And we saw what happened with my…my mom. And I think when I was stitched into you I took part of you with me. Because I feel that love, your love, as if I've always been able too. It's…more, somehow," She looked down, trying to find the right words. "That's why I couldn't talk to you, why I avoided you. I had to understand what it meant first. I've never been so…scared of a feeling."

"Hey, it's okay. You were saddled with an intense emotion you didn't know how to process. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I should have told you a long time ago."

Kirsten shook her head. "I don't think it would have been the same. Part of me, just a small part, recognized what it could be. But if you hadn't done what you did, I never would have known the extent of it, or been able to feel it like I do now.

"I know I'm not saying this right. I know that I'm able to feel the way I do about you because of what happened. I know that while you were dead, I was dying inside, and that while you were in a coma, I spent days trying to figure out what I felt. And I know now that I'm in love with you, too, Cameron," Kirsten breathed, hoping it all made sense. "Because that feeling you felt for me? I feel it back, for you."

Cameron took it all in, clinging to every word. Stitching into him had been so powerful it had literally given her the ability to understand his love for her, and help her realize how she felt for him. He'd opened a part of her long damaged brain to a feeling she'd never been able to experience. As if their lives weren't already a sci-fi movie wrapped in a conspiracy and tied with a neat little bow of uncertainty.

He realized he'd been internalizing for too long when she started to pull away. She couldn't perceive time, but even she knew when someone was hesitating.

"I can go," she said quietly, crestfallen by his lack of response.

Cameron's gaze shot to hers, an intensity in them she'd never seen before, not even when he'd caught her blatantly watching him outside of his bedroom. Not even when she'd seen the vibrant scar on his chest, and their eyes had held until an overwhelming sadness poured over them, and he slid the door closed on a moment she knew they'd never get back.

He shook his head, his grip on her tightening. "I'm sorry, about earlier. I know it sounds false, but it didn't mean anything, she'd never compare…" he trailed off, meeting her rapt gaze. "I thought…I thought we were done. You'd made it pretty clear and…and I didn't think you wanted this. Me."

Kirsten tilted her head to the side, a motion he always loved because it usually came with a sarcastic, you've-got-to-be-kidding-me-you-idiot response.

"It's okay, you had every right. I have no claim on you, and that's my own fault." She slid both of her palms over his heart, feeling the hypnotic beat under her hands. "I just didn't have context for this feeling. I mean, I knew a little from how Lilly felt for Scott, and even how Peter felt for Julie, but this was different…real, I suppose. And it was for me, no one else."

"Will you say it?" Cameron asked, hesitation in his voice. He had to hear it. He understood her explanation, but he had to hear the simple words.

Her hands slid from his chest to cup his face, brown eyes searching green. "I love you, Cameron."

His smile nearly broke his face. He moved the last few inches separating them, sealing her confession. This time, she remembered. This time, she was kissing _him._ His hands traveled from her back down to her hips, pulling her in so no space was left between them as the kiss deepened.

They broke for air, breathing heavily. "Please, don't ever do something that foolish and stupid for me again. I don't want you to die for me, Cameron. I can't lose this, not now that I know how it feels," Kirsten added. "Promise me."

He rested his forehead against hers, one of his hands moving to cover one of hers that still cupped his face. "I can't promise that I won't be stupid or foolish when it comes to you. I can't even promise you won't lose me. You're smart enough to know the statistics on transplant recipients. But I can promise to do my best to live, for as long as my heart lets me. How does that sound?"

"Sounds kind of like a fairytale," Kirsten replied, a little smile tugging at the corner of her lips. She'd never understood fairytales until Cameron died, until she knew what love and what being loved truly felt like. She knew why they all ended the same. Why the prince married the princess, and swept her to a castle far away. Why wouldn't she want that happily ever after with Cameron?

Her expression faltered, remembering Les Turner's reaction to Cameron stopping his heart.

" _If anything happens to that boy…"_ Maggie started.

" _Something already has…"_ Les Turner had shot back.

Kirsten only hoped she'd get to finish this fairytale before it, too, was taken from her. Their relationship would now and forever be a bargaining chip Turner could play with at will. Not even Maggie would be able to save them.

Cameron, ever the observant one, picked up on her hesitation. "Where'd you go, Sunshine?"

She fell into the deep green pools of his eyes, memorizing every detail. It would feel like they'd always been together for her, and she wanted to savor it for that someday when he would be gone.

"I just…I want this, so badly. But I'm so afraid it's going to be taken away, like everything else. I've already lost my mom, my dad, Ed…I almost lost you…"

"Hey, I'm still here. I can at least promise I won't willingly leave you," he smiled. It was lopsided and adorable and she wanted nothing more than to fall into _this feeling_ that she couldn't name but was something close to absolute contentment.

"Okay. I trust you," she stated.

"Thank you," he replied, a peace settling between them that wasn't there before. Those words meant more to him than she would ever know. "You're remarkable, Stretch."

Her eyes held a mischievous sparkle. "You're pretty amazing, Boyfriend."

There was no more talking after that.

XOX

Camille rolled over, pulling the colorful, beaded pillow over her head while groaning. Her phone chirped violently, the beaming sunlight making her regret that last glass of wine she'd had the night before.

Sighing, she threw the pillow to the floor, blowing a strand of hair out of her face in a huff as she blearily made out Kirsten's photo and the caller ID "Basic Bitch" lighting up her phone. She snorted, reveling in the irony of the label. When Kirsten saw the name for the first time, she'd nodded in agreement with Camille's ID selection. "I'm basically a bitch by social standards so I suppose that's correct," she'd said plainly, before going about her day. Camille didn't have the heart to tell her she used the moniker ironically in lieu of her being so horribly out of touch with pop culture and the rest of society.

"I'm sorry, Camille can't come to the phone right now because her roommate has a serious lack of time perception and general respect for boundaries," Camille answered, using her other pillow to prop the phone against her ear as she closed her eyes again.

"I'll be brief then…thank you."

She perked up. "Cameron?"

"Yeah," he answered quietly. "I know you had a hand in this…so thank you."

Camille grinned, gleefully noting she had a large sum of money coming her way. But that aside, she was happy for her friends.

"You are truly welcome. Don't screw it up. Or _I_ will kill you."

Cameron smiled across the other line so widely Camille could feel it in her bones. Drawing circles on the sleeping blonde's shoulder, he made another promise, this one to himself as much as Camille.

"I won't."


End file.
